No more being broke for me yayayayayayay

So my boyfriend is pretty much spending the majority of his 3 day weekend at his friend’s house. In other words, not with me. More time that I get to spend in this big giant room by myself (yay…). Luckily my wife is coming over tomorrow, and Monday we’re headed to Atlantic City (me for my first time ever). 

But until then, I’m gonna get fat on pizza and watch episodes of Tia and Tamera until I fall asleep. June 11th, I’m so ready.

• Me: I'm hungry. I think I'm gonna have me a bowl of Golden Grahams.
• Brain: Eh, I mean, you just had a milkshake. You should probably stop eating milk things. You'll just get a stomach ache and you'll be all sad and gassy tomorrow and that's no fun and technically, we're not even really that hungry at all and...
• Me: Shut the fuck up brain, I'm having Golden Grahams
• Brain: I'll show you to the bowls madam

My goal for this week is to have at least one job interview. I will make this happen.

I love you, but I don’t know what that means

I love you, and sometimes that scares me

I love you, but some days I really hate you

I love you, but sometimes I wish you would just go away

I love you, and sometimes just being around you is too overwhelming

I love you, but you really are an idiot

I love you, and next to you I shine brighter than the sun

I love you, and everyday we’re together I want to run away from you

I love you, and I’m just now realizing how heavy those three words really are

I love you, and I don’t really think you’re an idiot…all the time

I love you, and it’s terrifying.

Oh how I love you in so many ways

So is this what love is,

Knowing exactly how you feel but not really knowing anything at all?

My dad called me today and told me that he wanted to go to an AA meeting, and that he wanted my help in finding information about it. And I cried because in the past 6 or so months, I think that’s probably the best news I could have ever gotten from anyone. 

And writing this, I’m still crying because its something I never thought I’d ever hear before.　

Tomorrow’s Mother’s Day and I’m nowhere near my mother, nor have I spoken to my parents in days. And now I feel like shit because all I wanted was some time to rest my head, and a few days of peace and now I’m going to miss spending time with the one person I’m going through this hell for.

Sigh.

My semester is finally over! YAY!

This may be hard to believe, but I actually hate confrontation. There are only two outcomes in a confrontational setting: 

1. People get hurt
2. People get angry

I pride myself on my ability to use rational thought and common sense in almost every situation. Except these two. When I’m hurt or angry, I’m not myself. I say things I don’t mean, and often do everything in my power to make the other person feel just as bad as I do. I don’t think about things; its the only time I feel like I’m not in control of myself. 

Also, I don’t like when people are mad at me. I kinda hate it actually. Its just an all around stressful situation for me.

For example: I decided not to go home right away for summer vacation. I’m currently staying with my best friend and my boyfriend (they’re related; not at all the same person). After some careful consideration, I decided that it would just be too stressful to go home until this whole situation has come to some kind of head. Problem is actually explaining that to my parents. I ended up waiting until the last minute because I was avoiding having to do it. Yesterday morning, I sent them a nice lengthy text explaining what I had decided to do, then promptly turned my phone off. Aside from little intervals to make sure other people hadn’t contacted me, my phone has been off since 9am yesterday morning. I also conveniently neglected to pay my phone bill today. If my phone is off, just another reason not to have to call my parents (or for them not to be able to call me). I kinda had to pay my phone bill because people might try to contact me for employment, but I’m now avoiding my voicemail.

Because if I ignore it, its not there right? Exactly.

I have a mild headache forming in the back of my head. But I also just had a double shot of rum, so I’m afraid to take ibuprofen. #firstworldproblems　

Taking a quick break from my all nighter. #fuckingfinalsweek　

My head is pounding, I feel really sick, and all I want to do is lay down and sleep. But I can’t because of all this crap I have to do. Fucking finals week.